Tag Archives: humour

Oh, you’re one of THOSE guys…

A while back I started a post over on about types of EDH players. Quite a few people replied in with submissions of their own; thanks to all those that contributed! This is a compilation of that thread. It’s intended purely to poke fun at us card-slingers; hope you have fun reading it!

So without further ado:

Types of EDH players – the almost exhaustive, somewhat complete unsorted list o’ DOOM.

The Wrath Guy
“How many creatures do you have? 2? Wrath of God.” Seems scared of anything with power greater than zero. Wraths whenever everyone (in total) has more creatures than he has. Loves playing Black, Red, and White, preferably all at the same time.

The Combo Guy
This guy was made for the flavour text on Johnny, Combo Player. “Just wait until I draw my Morselhoarder, then watch this!”

The Plays-with-Himself Guy
He has a deck that does wacky cool awesome things, and is designed in such a way that it doesn’t matter too much what you do, he just sits there doing his wacky cool awesome things and stopping you from interacting with him in any meaningful way. May as well be playing by himself.

The No-Politics Guy
Does what’s best for him, all the time. Never makes deals with anyone, ever. (Unfortunately my whole playgroup is like this…)

The Creature Guy
Doesn’t really believe in non-creature spells, with the exception of land and creature tutors. If it doesn’t have a power and toughness, he’s probably not interested.

The Misdirected Douche
Flashfires. Resolved? Wildfire. Turn.”
“How are you going to win? You have 1 land and no creatures.”
“Yeah but you have no land either”

Types in ALL CAPS

The Prison Guy
Propaganda. Tangle Wire. Smokestack. Winter Orb. Probably plays Grand Arbiter Augustin IV as their general. Favourite phrase from their opposition: “Does that resolve?” Favourite answer: “Of course not”

Prolonged Game Ending Even Though I Already Won Guy or (time waster guy for short)
He knows he has already won, and can’t be killed by anybody. While he has the greatest board presence and poses the biggest threat he waits. One small mistake he will kill you, but still he prolongs the game just to draw a card that makes your defeat even more grueling than it was.

The Moocher
Uses copy, steal, and rez effects to make the most out of own and opponents’ creatures and EtB/death effects.

The Whiner
Whines about mechanics being broken, especially the left field awful ones, but uses commensurate effects to win the (rare) game. Which of course, was totally fair.

Angry Emo Boy
“You killed my creature! I’m focusing on YOU for the rest of the game!”
“You destroyed my land! YOU MUST DIE!!!”
“You blew up the whole board! I’m gonna target you first in every game we ever play!”

The Liar
Typical question pointed at him: “Can you get rid of that?”
Typical answer: “No, not at the moment..”
Typically destroys a very same threat on your side 2 turns later after you spent your resources.

I much prefer the variant of this known as The Bill Clinton:
“Are you going to counter this spell if I cast it?”
“Nope. Go for it.”
“Cool. Time Stretch, I’ll go to my first extr–”
“Uh? Time Stop.”
“What the hell, guy? You said you weren’t going to counter it!”
“Nor did I. It’s exiled from the stack, but definitely NOT countered!”
“That’s total crap and you know it.”
“Well, it all depends on what your definition of ‘counter’ is.”

The “I am Joe’s Complete Disregard for Even the Most Cursory Threat Assessment” Guy
Typical Declaration: “Krosan Grip your Coalition Relic”
Typical Reproach directed at him: “You didn’t see the Lightning Greaves?”
Typical Response to any request that his brain be engaged before tapping mana for ANYTHING: “Look, just let me play my game”
Typical Post-Elimination-at-the-Hands-of-Lightning-Greaves-Equipped-Creature Lament: “I should have killed the Lightning Greaves”

The Mana Miscalculator
“OK, so, I’m tapping these lands to pay for this… oh, wait, wrong colors. One sec, let me see … I need 1 blue and 2 black. Uh, no, that’s not right. If I tap this first …”

Mr. Land Light
“NO WAY do I need more then 28 land in this deck.”

who often morphs into:
“Ha, now I won’t have any problems. I’ve got 40 land AND 12 signets/mana rocks AND 7 ramp spells!”

Mr. Formats Don’t Change the Strength of Cards
“Whatdayamean it’s a bad creature in EDH? Goyf is great. Everyone says so.”

“For the Lulz” guy.
He KNOWS that he’s making the suboptimal play but doesn’t care because it does something hilarious to the game state and or hilariously tragic to one or more players. These are the guys who are generally playing cards like Grip of Chaos and Thieves’ Auction

Mr. Innocence, who supposedly never plays anything for you to get worried about:
“Oh, this Aluren? It’s just so I can play more weenies.”
“Don’t kill my Dovescape! I only use it to make birds!”

The Sanctioned Commander
This is the guy who brings a tactical nuke to a gunfight, or pulls out a super-tuned Erayo deck against some teenager’s first-draft Reaper King scarecrow tribal. Defining characteristic: having only the vaguest notion of what this “fun” stuff is, but broadly aware that it occasionally leads to suboptimal card choices and plays and wants no part of it as a result. Also fails to understand why people don’t want to play with him. Thinks that Commander should be a sanctioned format with tournaments and prizes.

The Approxy
The Approxy’s key characteristic isn’t playing with proxies, but rather playing with very bad ones: either slips of paper with only a vague suggestions of mana costs, typeline, and rules texts, or worse, printed proxies in a language nobody at the table actually reads. Often harmless, but prone to long, stupid arguments about rules details (Necropotence, particularly the “you get the cards at EoT” part, is a common sticking point.)

The Cunning Linguist
Often possessed of intimate knowledge of all the most Byzantine rules, this species delights in weird, unintuitive card interactions, often bolstered by obscure cards printed in foreign languages. While it is unusual for the Cunning Linguist to actually speak more than a few words of these languages, their encyclopediatic knowledge of the cards in question makes this largely irrelevant. Expect endless quibbling about the stack, priority passing, and layers.

The Showcase
An individual who embraces the “collectible” part of “collectible card game” to an almost frightening degree. Notable for having a large collection of promos/misprints/printings in Church Slavonic and the like, not to mention sleeves that can survive water, smoke, and nuclear war. However, their protective nature makes actually playing with the cards a nightmare for everyone involved.

The Griefer
An individual whose goal is not to win, but to annoy. Generally a player in some combination of Grixis colors, this specimen enjoys copy/steal effects and chaos abilities. Grip of Chaos and Krark’s Thumb can be seen as the signature cards of this species.

The Masochist
Spends the second half of every game complaining about the format. It takes too long, the games are one-sided, whatever someone else is using to win the game is unfun… but he shuffles up for the next game. (And he doesn’t complain when he’s winning.)

The Napoleon
Is afraid that he gets less respect than the other players. He is thin-skinned and treats advice as an insinuation that he’s stupid.

The Ego
Thinks he’s better than the other players in his group. He complains about their flaws on internet forums

The hater:
This guy will target for any reason possible, possible excuses include :- “you’re the biggest threat”, you’re defenseless”, etc. He usually follows the following routine :- “I wrath of god, damnation, obliterate, etc you as you pose the biggest threat”, this is normally followed by “I attack you with everything, because you’re defenseless”

The good sportsman:
One of the nicest guys at the table, he plays fairly and believes in the term “fun”. he will not pick on any one player in particular, but instead spends his turns alternating attacks, spells, effects, etc in turn among the players. He doesn’t mind being attacked and is genuinely the best guy in your play group.

This Conversation With My Friends Is More Interesting Than The Game Guy
The one who gets up to go talk to his friends at another table when it’s not his turn (and will talk to them during his turn if they’re within speaking distance). This guy never has any idea about what’s happening in-game yet somehow always seems to be playing blue decks with counters. You’ll do something, the spell will resolve while he’s chatting, you’ll attack someone and pass the turn, then he’ll ask what’s happen and go, “You Tooth and Nail’d? I’ll counter that.”

The Early scoop guy.
Immediately picks up his cards when someone goes for Tooth and Nail or kicked Rite of Replication… Then proceeds to watch the game, bored, for the next two hours after someone immediately topdecked an answer. Early scoop guy. Immediately picks up his cards when someone goes for Tooth and Nail or kicked Rite of Replication… Then proceeds to watch the game, bored, for the next two hours after someone immediately topdecked an answer.

The Hypocritical Complainer:
Will go on to no end about the card choices you make, good or bad. Seems to deem everything as “gay” or “doucheworthy”, but will turn around and take infinite turns, blow up all permanents, or just play the exact card he not two games ago bitched about until blue in the face.

Didn’t-Read-the-Card Guy
Oh, shit! That’s what that card does!

The beggar:
This guy will always beg and plead for you to not attack him, and always asks for a reprieve. Never does anything useful to help you out after you don’t attack him but generally always loses eventually. Most likes starts begging when his demise is almost certain.

Followed by:
The New Deck Guy:
Always playing a new deck. Most famous quote (issued at any critical moment):

“Don’t kill me yet, this is a new deck and I only want to test 1 thing….”

The Jedi-Mindtricker
This player will ask you nebulous questions like, “Are you sure you want to cast that?” or “Hmmm, how much life do you have left?” and will do so at the most inopportune times, usually with one card left in his hand.

The Freeloader/Parasite
Relies on other players to do stuff like sweep the board for him so he doesn’t have to waste spots in his deck for cards like that.

The Magnet
Always seems to be one getting attacked/targeted with stuff despite the deck he plays.

The Clever Player.
The one who borrows a deck and finds some interesting new way to play it. Veers away from red and other mono-colored borings.

The Banker
How good a card actually is happens to be based around it’s cost on various sites. If it is under 5 bucks according to his favourite place, it must be mediocre at best.

Dice Thrower
Seems to lose his/her shit if they are being “picked on” or from the result of a relatialtion that they obviously didn’t deserve.

The Girlfriend
“What do I do with this card or what is the best play in my hand (as she shows it to her bf who can now effectively play two decks).” This kind of person drives my wife absolutely bonkers. I had to put my foot down in one game when I got scry2’d by an effect of hers and she showed both cards to her SO to get his opinion of a choice.

The “Is it my turn yet?” Guy
Seems to always be in a rush and commenting on how long everyone elses turns *always* take while theirs are always so quick.

‘It’s just a friendly game.’ Guy The d-bag who feels the need to constantly remind his fellow players it’s a friendly game. This is typically in response to his subconscious trying telling him he’s acting like a d-bag, but his conscious mind doesn’t understand there’s a difference between saying it’s a friendly game, and acting friendly.

‘Card Advantage? No, Smell Advantage!’ Guy We’ve all played against them. Some of us have even been them. You know the player. The one whose personal hygiene (body odor, breath, lack of deodorant etc) is so fierce you cannot conceive playing a 100 card deck game with them. You do your best to win or lose as fast as possible and step away from the table.

Turn One Discard Guy. This player forgoes playing a land on turn one in order to discard a card into his graveyard that will be beneficial to him long term and hopes no one notices it.

The Sloppy Shuffler:
The guy who after shuffling his deck hastily leaves the cards stacked like a jenga tower that’s ready to fall. He makes it impossible to tell what he has tapped or untapped, because all his permanents are strewn about in no particular order.

The Destructive Shuffler
This guy almost got punched in the face by one of our resident hotheads when he took the borrowed deck and decided to bridge shuffle like we were playing Texas Hold’Em. The hothead asked him not to do it, and this douche stares him down, does it again, and says ‘This is how I shuffle.’

Followed by the Annoying Cutter
He insists on cutting your deck in an unnecessarily convoluted and time wasting manner regardless, and perhaps in spite of, the annoyance of everyone at the table and particularly the person whose deck is being cut.

I Don’t ask Permission to read other peoples cards/AKA/Grabby Hands Guy
Normally identified by grabbing/scooping cards from your play zone without saying anything in advance or asking to view them! Surprise! [made worse if they are young or can’t read and take a long time deciphering]

I’m eating greasy food/drinking at the table Guy
Thank god for card sleeves.

I Change my Deck every week Guy
Completely unpredictable.

Secret Alliance made before the game guy
Yeah…like we couldn’t tell Douchebag.

Don’t pick on me because I’m a Girl….Guy…
You all know what I mean

No Such Thing as Casual Online Guy:
This guy believes the anonymity of online means he can do or say anything.

The Rage quitter
The guy who slams his cards, throws his dice, and yells bullshit when his massive board presence is wrathed and his seemingly innocuous attempt to simultaneously kill everyone at the table is foiled. Conversely he is only happy when everyone dies at the hands of his innocuous kill combo.

I Hate That General So I Will Only Attack You Guy.
This is the guy who, for whatever reason, despises the General you are playing and no matter what type of deck you *really* have, he ignores all board threats to focus only on the possible threat of your General.

Security Blanket Guy – The guy who ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE a certain card, such as SDT in his deck or he just can’t be happy with it. I know a guy who combines this with the “new deck every week” one… it’s new, and yet oh so familiar.

Captain Combo
The guy you know always wins by combo not matter what his general is.

The A-lister
The player that only plays good cards and constantly suggests that you play them too.

Oops, I Forgot to Include a Win Condition Guy.
Has decks full of answers, defenses, goodstuff cards, and ways to kill everyone else’s creatures, but can’t actually manage to win the game. Ends up stalling forever with a great board position and no reliable way to swing in for the kill.

The Format Convert
Plays EDH decks that more resemble a classic Standard/Legacy deck and play with the same mentality.

The Trash-talking Guy
Won’t shuddup up throughout the whole game, saying random witty remarks on everything, game related or not. It is pretty nice to have a player at the table like that, it eases up the atmosphere quite a bit.

The Drama Guy
Won’t shut up throughout the whole game. If he is winning, he will rub it in your face. If he is losing, he will complain and whine how screwed over he got. Either way, he is pretty annoying. But you still take him in when you need the 4th guy for a game…

The Hopelessly Spikey/Douchey Guy
A guy who will always come with a disgustingly consistent and powerful deck and leave everybody else at the table frustrated and miserable. He One day he shows up with a storm combo. Then he shows up with timewalk.deck. His idea of an interactive deck does not go past Sundering Titan / Yosei recursion. He is not evil… he does not even have fun making others miserable… he just DOES NOT GET IT.

The “You only say that because you are losing” Guy
Whenever anybody questions a play someone had just made, he will fire his signature phrase. Deadly in combination with the I Play For Fun Guy with poor threat-assessment. Everybody starts feeling bad, table goes quiet and the game sucks.


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Posted by on February 20, 2012 in EDH/Commander